Back Pain

Posted on 9 September 2014 by quiddity

To the tune of You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi.

Shot in the arse,
And then the brain.
(But it) Somehow cured
My back pain.

I couldn’t smile,
I wasn’t well,
I went to the doctor, my back hurt like hell.
He ummed and ahhed, and said “let’s see,
“Your back is all messed up, it sure beats me.

“Soo… Your appointment’s done.”

Whoh, went home, cleaned my gun.
Went off in my hand and the damage was done.

Shot in the arse,
And then the brain.
Somehow cured
My back pain.

I can’t feel my legs,
And I’ve gone insane.
‘Least it cured
My back pain.

At least it cured
My back pain.

The homeopath,
He never said
“To cure your back pain
“Shoot your backside and head.”

The psychic too,
He didn’t sigh,
“Two rounds from a glock
“Kiss your back pain goodbye.”

Whoh, get a loaded gun.

Whoh, you got problems, chum?
The only thing left is a shot in the bum…

Shot in the arse,
And then the brain.
Somehow cured
My back pain.

I can’t feel my legs,
And I’ve gone insane.
‘Least it cured
My back pain.

‘Least I’m cured…

(Guitar solo)

Ohhhh…

Shot in the arse,
And then the brain.
Somehow cured
My back pain.

I can’t feel my legs,
And I’ve gone insane.
‘Least it cured
My back pain.

Shot in the arse,
And then the brain.
Somehow cured
My back pain.

I can’t feel my legs,
And I’ve gone insane.
‘Least it cured
My back pain.

‘Least I’m cured…
‘Least I’m cured…
‘Least I’m cured…

Back Pain!

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Poehemian Rhapsody

Posted on 7 September 2014 by quiddity

To the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.
Inspired by this picture.

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught by a raven,
No escape from his prophecy.
Open my door,
I heard, “Nevermore” — why me?

I’m just a scholar, I was just pondering,
And then the tapping come, tapping go,
Tapping loud, tapping low,
I just think the wind blows,
Nothing more disturbing to me — to me…

Stranger, who’s at my door,
Will you kindly cease to tap,
I’m quite flustered by your rap.

Stranger, oh who can you be?
I’ll have to get up from my desk to see.

Raven! Ooooh!
P’raps you’ll offer me your name.
If you’ll come back again this time tomorrow…
“Nevermore! Nevermore!”
As if nothing is hereafter.

Lenore! Your time had come,
Sent shivers down my spine,
But was your final fate divine?
Raven, will you tell me — say, when we die,
Do we leave this all behind, and face the truth?

Raven, oooh (that’s the way the wind blows)
If we’re doomed to die,
Should we just wish we’d never been born at all?

(Guitar solo, flapping and squawking…)

I see a little silhouetto of a bird,
On the head, of a bust, o’er the door of my chamber.
Thunderbolt and lightning,
Very, very frightening me.
(Leonora) Leonora.
(Leonora) Leonora,
Leonora Nevermore.
Oh my Lenore…

I’m just a po’ boy,
But Lenore loved me,
She loved this po’ boy,
What has become of she?
Was her soul spared from Hell’s monstrosity?

Was her soul Aidenn bound, did they let her go?
Bismillah! No, they did not let her go. (Nevermo’!)
Bismillah! They did not let her go. (Nevermo’!)
Bismillah! They did not let her go. (Nevermo’!)
Did not let her go. (Nevermo’!)
Did not let her go!
Never let her go!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Is there balm in Gilead, or…? (You will see her nevermore!)
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me.

So you think you can say that and sit on my door?
So you think you can cast your black pall on my floor?
Oh, raven, can’t do this to me, raven,
You gotta get out, you gotta get right outta here.

(Guitar solo/Tortured screaming)

(Get out! Get out!)

But his beady eye shines,
Like the devil’s own,
He won’t leave my chamber,
He won’t go and leave me,
Alone.

(That is where my soul lies.)

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Sciences Po

Posted on 15 February 2014 by quiddity

To the tune of Go the Distance from Disney’s Hercules.
Named for the Institut d’études politiques de Paris.

I have often dreamed
Of a uni place,
Where a master’s programme
Will be waiting for me,
Where TA’s will cheer
At my thoughts on race,
And my marks keep saying this is where I’m meant to be.

I will find my way,
I will go the distance.
I’ll be there some day,
If I find the dough.
I know every class
Will be clear as glass,
I would do most anything
To get into Sciences Po.

I am on my way,
I can save the fees up.
Though it costs so much,
Somehow I will go.
Though I’ll have to work
For a stupid jerk,
I would do most anything
To get into Sciences Po.

I will beat the odds,
One in ten ain’t that bad.
My CV will sound
Smart, and apropos.
I will please the gods,
Who call themselves “admissions,”
And I’ll spend my house deposit
All on Sciences Po.

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Tonight, I’ll Forget (I’m Eighty-Two)

Posted on 15 September 2012 by quiddity

To the tune of Tonight, I’ll Be Staying Here With You by Bob Dylan.

Throw my ticket out the window,
Throw my bus-pass out there too.
Leave my dentures on the floor,
I don’t need them any more,
‘cos tonight, I’ll forget I’m eighty-two.

I should have left this town at twenty,
But it was more than I could do,
For you’ve always loved this town,
And you said “let’s settle down” —
And I find that I’m still here at eighty-two.

Are we really any older
Than when we met at seventeen?
You cast your spell, and made me bolder,
Just like a kid, I feel so keen.

And — what — is my hearing going?
And is my eyesight going too?
‘cos you have never looked so sweet,
And it’s never felt so neat,
‘cos tonight, I’ll forget I’m eighty-two.

Instrumental

Throw my ticket out the window,
Throw my bus-pass out there too.
Leave my dentures on the floor,
I don’t need them any more,
‘cos tonight, I’ll forget I’m eighty-two.

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Tragic Moments

Posted on 3 August 2012 by quiddity

To the tune of Magic Moments.

Tragic moments, I wish I had never…
Tragic moments, stay with me forever.

I’ll never forget the night that we kissed in front of those houses,
The lights all came on the moment you’d run off home with my trousers.

Tragic moments, I wish I had never…
Tragic moments, stay with me forever.

Time can’t erase, for bad or good,
These tragic moments — wish it could.

The way that you jeered when your friends appeared and asked if you knew me,
The way I got hooked, the way you all looked, like looking right through me.

Tragic moments, I wish I had never…
Tragic moments, stay with me forever.

Time can’t erase, for bad or good,
These tragic moments — wish it could.

The cinema seat I sat in to meet you once for the movie,
The smell of your hair, when I saw you there with someone more groovy.

The time that you smiled, you got me to help you out with your homework,
The feeling like slime, when I had no time to finish my own work.

Tragic moments, stay with me.

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Here Comes the Bus

Posted on 7 September 2011 by quiddity

To the tune of Here Comes the Sun.

Here comes the bus.
Here comes the bus.
And I say, it’s alright.

Little darling,
It’s been a long cold lonely wait here,
Little darling,
It’s feels like years since we got here.

Here comes the bus.
Here comes the bus.
And I say, it’s alright.

Little darling,
The bus has come to take us places,
Little darling,
It seems like years since we’ve been out.

Here comes the bus.
Here comes the bus.
And I say, it’s alright.

Bus, bus, bus, come for us.
Bus, bus, bus, come for us.
Bus, bus, bus, come for us.
Bus, bus, bus, come for us.

Little darling,
I know your hands and nose are freezing,
Little darling,
It’s feels like years since they’ve been warm.

Here comes the bus.
Here comes the bus.
And I say, it’s alright.

Here comes the bus.
Here comes the bus.
It’s not ours.

It’s not ours.

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Do Not Disturb

Posted on 31 August 2011 by quiddity

To the tune of “DND” by Semisonic.

D&D, now they’ll leave us alone,
D&D, can’t play this on your own.

I like you to make the real world disappear, and
I like you to make all the rules seem so clear, and
I like you to make me want to stay forever,
Here, where I win wars.

D&D, hang a sign on the door,
D&D, don’t disturb us no more.

I like you to creep right through the dragon’s lair, and
I like you to be that elf with the purple hair, and
I like you to make me want to play forever,
Here, where I’m called Thror.

The minute we find a space and time,
I wanted to save that village from orcs.
The minute I learn shapechange you’ll find me,
Trying to be a whole flock of hawks.
What a dork.

Spoken over instrumental: Shapechange. ‘This spell functions like polymorph, except that it enables you to assume the form of any single non-unique creature.’ You see, it says single creature. You just can’t do that, Joe. I’m sorry.

D&D, don’t wake up until noon.
D&D, will I level soon?

I like you to make the real world disappear, and
I like you to make all the rules seem so clear, and
I like you to make me want to stay forever,
Here, where I win wars.

Spoken: Critical! OK, roll for damage. (Sound of dice rolling.) Ooh, nasty.

The minute we find a space and time,
I wanted to save that village from orcs.
The minute I learn shapechange you’ll find me,
Trying to be a whole flock of hawks.
What a dork.

D&D. D&D. D&D… won’t mum leave us alone?

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Breakfast

Posted on 24 August 2011 by quiddity

To the tune of “Breathless” by the Corrs.

Go on, go on,
Make me breakfast.

(Come on…)

The daylight’s creeping slowly
Over my bed and windowsill;
I’m waiting till you show me
A plate from which to eat my fill

I can’t get up
Without a nice hot cup,
And unless you go fry up
Some bacon, some hash browns…

So go on, go on
Come on, make me breakfast.
Tempt me, feed me,
Until I’ve had all I want.
Scramble, baked beans, and then
Some black pudding

Go on, go on, yeah.

(Come on…)
(Yeah…)

And if there’s no tomato
And all we have is one sausage
I’m happy just to lie here
You go and shop, and fill the fridge

I liked my dream
So I’ll go back to sleep,
And I only want to wake up
With coffee! And fried bread!

So go on, go on,
Come on, make me breakfast.
Tempt me, feed me,
Until I’ve had all I want.
Scramble, baked beans, and then
Some black pudding…

Go on, go on, yeah.

(Come on…)

(Instrumental)

I can’t get up
Without a nice hot cup,
And unless you go fry up
Some bacon, some hash browns…

So go on, go on,
Come on, make me breakfast.
Tempt me, feed me,
Until I’ve had all I want.
Scramble, baked beans, and then
Some black pudding

So go on, go on,
Come on, make me breakfast…

(Repeat)

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